China and Australia are worlds apart
WE'VE much in common now, China and Australia, yet remain persistently mysterious to each other.
On a recent tour of China the cultural gulf threatened, once again, to become a gaping gorge.
I was flummoxed at one most hospitable banquet when a Chinese man asked me, in perfect English: who will win, the wolf or the sheep?
Was he alluding to contemporary business tactics, human rights activism, Chinese legend, rugby, the menu, possibly?
Chinese legend, as it turned out, and my instinctive response of sheep was spot on: no one wants to openly back aggressors these days.
If only all my communications had been as straightforward.
At one stage my luggage and I became bound for separate cities at opposite ends of China.
My talent for the subtle tonal nuances of Chinese apparently needs nurturing.
Fortunately, being lost in translation can provide abundant merriment as well as obstacles for the infrequent visitor to China.
The abominable use of English elicits, of course, barely repressible delight; even for those who consider themselves sophisticated travellers rather than package-deal tourists.
How delicious to be offered Fried Bum, Boild Toad and Instestin Pig Prickl.
And how delightful to be waited upon in a chic restaurant by glamorous young Chinese women, all wearing glossy badges with the names of Western males.
Attentive hostesses as they were, Mason, Andrew and Michael demonstrated as meagre an understanding of Western viticulture as gender difference; elaborately swaddling our bottle of warm yak urine (aka Australian red wine) in long sashes before drowning it in a tub of ice.
Speaking of yak, don't try it, or general travel in China, without health insurance.
A fancy hotel teabag containing Chinese Wolfberry and So On warned me: to hospital make if diarrhoea bleeds.
I still drank it though, because it promised benefit for my spleen and black hair, and was included in the price. You can feel adventurous in China without trying all that hard.
Some strange ideas about our tastes have taken grip.
Fruit salad, for example, is widely served drenched in mayonnaise.
"Salad" is obviously interpreted as Western for cold chunks of foodstuffs floating in vinegared glue.
Stick to local Chinese cuisine and ask few questions. You might ingest all kind of organic matter, but it's unlikely to come slathered in Melamine Mayo and will likely prove delicious.
It's impossible to remain unimpressed with China's rapid modernisation and development.
Despite all official hyperbole, cultural misunderstandings and shadow of human rights abuses - the size, number and efficiency of China's cities and infrastructure are undeniably dazzling.
A young engineer in Chongqing seemed crushed at hearing that Chongqing is not well known to Australians.
He gently pointed out that with 31 million people, his city's population exceeds Australia's.
What's more, many in Chongqing have heard of our Le Ke Wen (aka Kevin Rudd).
In Kunming, population equivalent to Melbourne, it was refreshing to meet people who'd never heard of Australia, let alone most glorious leader Le Ke Wen - nor for that matter, of mayonnaise.
No amount of simulated kangaroo hopping on my behalf could evoke a hint of cultural recognition. What bliss.
Suddenly, the world felt larger, and mystery, a most wonderful thing.