Tall tale of wine toys
Gadgets for wine enthusiasts are becoming as colorful as wine labels and wine fans themselves.
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I played as a child. But when I became a man, I got better toys.
That's not exactly how the Apostle Paul said it, but it explains why there are so many neat wine accessories out there for holiday giving.
Say your brother Roberto, the bon vivant, is taking a trip to visit your uncle George in Utah. Here's how you could gear him up for a really good time.
Roberto always takes wine with him, because George, a beer lover, has nothing drinkable in his cellar. Roberto grabs six good bottles from his own stash and tucks it into his Six-Bottle WineKaddy. It's the ultimate wine luggage -- made of thin aluminum, it has styrene inserts to keep bottles safe from freezing or breaking on the flight to Boise. It's $320 (item WB1542-003) on the International Wine Accessory website, www.iwawine.com.
George is drinking Bud Light when Roberto arrives at his bison ranch, so Roberto reaches into his WineKaddy and pulls out a bottle of Voga Italia. It looks like a fancy liqueur bottle, with a tiny cork hidden inside a glass cap for extra elegance. Roberto always has been a showoff. Inside is not liqueur, but sparkling pinot grigio. And it's only $16 a bottle.
George looks at it, continues sipping his light beer.
DRESSED TO IMPRESS
Roberto, undeterred, pulls out a bottle of his best stuff -- a 1961 Mouton Rothschild Bordeau -- from his Kaddy. Even George is impressed.
An old wine like this must be decanted, of course, in case sediment has formed on the bottom. So Roberto pulls out a really fancy decanter. It's a Riedel ''O'' Magnum Decanter (item DC20-013) from the IWA online catalog, list price $240. He pours the wine into the decanter, taking care to stop when he reaches the sediment.
Next day's the big picnic. George's wife puts on a big spread. Roberto hates picnics because, with a plate of food in one hand and a glass of wine in the other, he can't even shake hands or scratch his ear. But this time he's prepared. He gets out his set of Six Stemware Plate Clips. Each one clips onto a sturdy plate and holds a glass of wine. These aren't the flimsy plastic clips that always end up spilling wine on you. They're made of brushed stainless steel, and each has a rubberized inner surface to firmly grip the plate. (Item EA86-001 in the IWA online catalog, $19).
Later, Roberto visits the bathroom and sees that George has prepared a little joke for him. Above the toilet is a little plaque with a drawing of a man, a toilet and a stream. It's a gentle request for even men to sit down, so they don't spray the facility. The sign, called ``Sit Down to Pee,'' is $11.60 at www.csnstores.com/Blomus-68205-RY1080.html.
Roberto snorts, well aware that George, the rugged Utah dude, hasn't sat down under those circumstances in his life.
But Roberto is still a good sport. So he gives a hostess gift to George, Christmas Beers: The Cheeriest, Tastiest and Most Unusual Holiday Brews (Universe, $19.95). It's by Don Russell, whose alter-ego, Joe Sixpack, is the beer columnist for The Philadelphia Daily News.
The book lists special beers that different countries brew in the holiday season. It speaks of the mellow ''Mad Elf'' ale from Troe's brewery in Pennsylvania, even of the beer that's banned in some states -- ``Santa's Butt.''
George wipes away a tear as he clutches the book and sips his Bud Light.