Big girls don't cry unless their wine goes bad!

We've all been there...

You're sitting on the couch with your new sweetiekins.  Barry White is on the stereo, and the fake fireplace DVD is playing on the television.  (What! I live in a row home!) You reach over and grab the bottle of wine that you've had chilling for the occasion.  With your most seductive look plastered on your face, you open the wine, pour two glasses, hand Sweetiekins one, lift it up to your lips and...get a noseful of wet dog. 

Maybe you're unwilling to accept the obvious.  Maybe you're hoping that the garlic-infused Chicken Adobo that you made with your grandmother's secret recipe and slaved over all afternoon to impress Sweetiekins so much that you actually reach the situation you're currently in has somehow thrown off the nose.  Maybe you've got a cold.  Either way, you buck up, lift the glass to your lips again and take a sip.  This time, you're convinced...it not only smells like wet dog, it TASTES like wet dog!

This begs two questions...both disturbing.  1) What in the world were you doing making a garlic-infused meal on a night you were clearly planning to get your kissy-face on? and 2) How do you know what a wet dog tastes like?  Seriously.  The ASPCA would probably like to have a word with you.

The third question can be answered a little more scientifically: What the heck happened to the wine???

There are a couple of different culprits, and any one of these can achieve the vine equivalent of Lindsay Lohan's acting career:  Starting out with such promise but ultimately tasteless and sad.  You may never know for sure which one of these is to blame, but here are some things to consider...

BAD CORK
We're talking about real wooden corks here, not the screw caps or the plastic stoppers that have become increasingly popular in recent years.  Real cork may lend credibility to a "real" wine, but it also leaves it susceptible to fungi that can turn a good wine bad. There's a big, fancy, scientific name for this, but its common name is "cork taint" or "TCA."  A wine affected is called a "corked wine."  If your wine is well-stored and cared for properly, TCA is usually the culprit.  If your previously sweet wine is smoking cigarettes and wearing black leather, you've probably watched Grease too many times.  If it tastes like mushrooms, it's most likely cork taint.

COOKING
All my friend "J" could talk about in the weeks preceding his 21st birthday was the fact that his roommates were getting a keg of Guinness for the party.  Being a poor college student who couldn't afford much more than "Beast Lite," I had no idea what Guinness tasted like, and while I was a little confused when I arrived on his back porch to find a keg, without the supporting ice bath, sitting there, they promised me all was well.  "Don't worry, Linds," the boys assured me, "Guinness is supposed to be served at 'room temperature.'"  That was the night I learned the difference between "room temperature" and a Virginian-porch-in-late-April.  When I was caught dumping ice cubes into the offending swill, I was nearly banned from the house. 

In rare cases, the same thing can happen to a good wine.  Excessive temperatures can cause the wine to boil, gently easing the cork out of the top of the bottle. Just like those buttons that tell you when your pickle jar has previously been opened, it's painfully obvious when this happens.  If you see it in the store, don't bother buying it.  You're only setting yourself up for disappointment.

OXIDATION
 While cooking is rare (only about 5% bottles suffer that fate), oxidation is much more common.  It happens when the cork dries out and then either cracks or shrinks enough to let air sneak into the bottle, or you've left the bottle sitting on the counter way too long.  Shrinkage, if you will, is bad for wines too!  One easy way to prevent oxidation is to store your wines so that the cork stays wet.  I like holders that hang the bottles upside down.  If your wine is on its side, make sure to remember to rotate the bottles periodically.  And once you've opened the bottle, remember Ben Franklin's advice on fish and house guests: three days is usually enough.

SEDIMENTS
If the wine tastes like chalk (this time, the PTA of America would like a word) and has particles floating in it, the problem is due to sediments.  Thankfully, this one is easy to come back from.  If you've got a decanter, pour the wine in there to let it "open up."  If not, simply leave the bottle open at room temperature (remember, a REAL room, not a Virginian porch in the middle of April), and let the sediments slide to the bottom. 

RE-FERMENTATION
Another rare one but still worth mentioning.  The main sign of re-fermentation is that a bottle that's not supposed to be effervescent is suddenly sparkling like a badly-written vampire.  It happens when the yeast doesn't finish processing before the wine is bottled, and then reawakens sometime after that.  This is supposed to happen with Champagnes, Proseccos, and the like.  It's not supposed to happen to anything else, whether it comes from France, Maryland and, especially, Forks, WA.

If you encounter a wine that you think might have one of these problems, it's perfectly acceptable to refuse it at a restaurant or take it back to its point of purchase.  Good wineries and restaurants want to maintain their good reputation with you, and they'll work with you to make it right.  Also, if you're pouring at home, you should always take the time to test it out before pouring.  Trust me, Sweetiekins will thank you.