5 pointers on how to successfully write about wine

1.  Online-
Pick a fight- With everybody-- Nerds pee their pants over Cederic Bouchard Champagne.  Well, that guy can go fck himself.  Probably dips his dong in it. 

2.  In Print-
Talk about something new, like the new wave of CA Chardonnay-- but in fact, just write about the same folks you’ve always talked about.  Your reader's will love it, they'll feel they were ahead of the curve all along.

3. Embrace The downtrodden-  You hipster fcks drinkin’ that Pelaverga Rose down at Dolores Park don’t know shit.   I scoop and drink up 02 CDP on the cheeeep! Stuff is way misunderstood-  They're pouring that nect'r by the glass- IN OAKLAND!

4.  Beat up on the Chinese-  I’d be sippin’ Assyrtiko like it was going out of style, if it werent for all them label chasing Chinese driving prices up prices of the 2010's.  The dirty Greeks can go F-themselves.

5. Assign Blame

    Blame Suckling-  Because it is fun

    Blame Parker- For Suckling.

    Blame Spectator- For propagting this guy.

    Blame Heimoff- I'm not sure for what yet, but just blame him for something.

    Blame Bloggers- For continually lowering the bar

6. Break the rules (See that Crabbers!?  I just put 6 Notes into a fiver!  F- You Mainstream / Online  Goosefckrs!!!)--- Shoot Eiswein with Salad, pair Aglianico with a glass of buttermilk, and declare that everything goes better with some strips of tired ass catfish!